Mt. Everest Summit Overrun by Holiday Travelers

Don't even bother trying to climb Mt. Everest this Memorial Day weekend since 75 people are already up there barbecuing, throwing frisbees...all the things you do in subzero temperatures with no oxygen. According to the Steven Cojacaru, "Everest is the hottest vacation destination right now. Everyone who's anyone is on the summit - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are honeymooning there, and Diddy is having his Cirque vodka party Saturday night. Good luck trying to get in, especially if you're with a sherpa."

Not a Good Ad

At least one of these ladies is clearly lying about her age.

Witness in R. Kelly Trial Completely Disgusted

A witness in the R. Kelly trial was able to successfully identify the underage victim on the now famous sex-tape. "She's the one in the sex tape playing with a stuffed animal," said the witness. The witness also offered these gems:

"You can tell which one is the victim - she's the one who, after they have sex, changes into a onesie."

"Yeah, I think the victim is underage - you can tell because after they have sex, he tucks her in.

"I think he knew she was underage - the sex tape takes place in a crib."

"Oh, isn't that nice? After they had sex, he played with her mobile."

Lost Parrot Tells Veterinarian His Name, Address, Family Secrets

A lost parrot told a veterinarian his name and address then went on to divulge a host of devastating family secrets.

"I live at 12 Crestman Lane," the parrot began. "Dana is a passive aggressive bitch," the parrot continued. "Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive. Michael doesn't love her anymore."

"Jeffrey, the youngest is addicted to cocaine. His father thinks he's a loser. Loser, loser!" he chirped joyfully. "Kevin wears a toupee! Ronald secretly had a vasectomy!"

Boy Band Creator Sentenced to 25 Years in Prison for Creating Boy Bands

Justice was finally served in a Florida court yesterday as Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced to 25 years in prison. What a relief this monster is finally behind bars.

Apparently there was also the tiny issue of bilking investors out of $300 million but the court was primarily influenced by witness after witness stepping up to detail how bands composed entirely of young men with frosted tips wearing tight silver pants ruined their lives. The judge seemed particularly moved when one 28 year-old man described how his sister played "I Want it That Way" on a three-month loop.

"If you can only imagine the horror of years of hearing, "Joey's the cute one...no wait, Lance...no wait, Justin..." the man said, blowing his nose on his shirt. "Hell isn't hot enough for Lou Pearlman."

Pearlman is petitioning the court to for a special exemption that would allow him conjugal visits with his favorite sandwich.

Happy 40th Birthday, Lindsay Lohan!

Hard to believe, but Lindsay Lohan will turn 40 later this month. It seems like only yesterday the actress was starring in teen fare like "Mean Girls," but in the last three years she's grown up before our eyes and is now fab at 40! Where does the time go?

The "Feel Bad Story of the Week": Erectile Dysfunction May Signal Heart Disease

Your inability to get boners isn't just an incredible disappointment - it also means you're probably about to die. And it won't be one of those cool heart attacks where you die having sex. No, just one of those run-of-the-mill cardiac arrests where you're found slumped over in a chair by your disappointed wife.

Oh, and at your funeral everyone is going to make "flaccid reflux" jokes.

Best Time of Year as Kangaroo Cull Begins in Australia

Summer is here and you know what that means: shrimp on the grill, beer in the cooler and killing kangaroos en masse! Can it really be a year since the last time we laid waste these lovable little beasties? If you've never been to Australia for kangaroo cull, now is the time to go! Catch an opera in Sydney, then grab a Fosters and make a "g'day" out of it! Oh, and tell 'em Paul Hogan sent ya!

Supreme Court: Child Porn Not Protected by Free Speech, but Nice Try, Perverts!

Today the US Supreme Court ruled that First Amendment rights do not apply to promotion of child pornography, but had to hand it to perverts for trying. In a 7-2 vote, the majority noted, "There is little distinction between advertising child pornography and actually having it, but you really have to take your hat off to balls on these pervs for having the balls to argue that. Oh, and just so you don't try it - no, you can't have nude kids hold guns then claim it's protected by the 'right to bare arms.'"

I'm Sure Saturn is Excited They Sponsored This

"Saturn: the only car company that thinks Lindsay Lohan is gay"

McCain Predicts Iraq War Over by 2013, if Obama Wins

Republican presidential nominee John McCain threatened that the Iraq war could be over by as early as 2013 if a Democrat is elected to the White House. "Do we want to win this war? Or do we want it to stretch into a seemingly neverending conflict with no resolution so that we're bogged down for the next 100 years? I think we all know the answer...the latter," McCain told a cheering crowd.

"This election comes down to choices, and if you support this war, it means you want it to continue as long as possible. And that means voting for me. Also, I have some great other wars planned but this speech was only scheduled for two hours."

Israel at 60: "My Back Hurts"

Israel's 60th anniversary celebration was hardly a party as the country complained about the food, the parking situation, the volume of the music, the tightness of its dress shoes, and the way young people dance nowadays.

"How do I feel at 60?" Israel asked. "I feel 70. My bursitis is acting up, and the tinnitus is worse than usual. Of course they have herring as an hors d'oeuvre and I'm allergic to herring. This party is supposed to go to 9 pm, but who can stay up that late?"

The country now faces an enormous diplomatic snafu as it tries to obtain receipts for all the gifts given to it. "We'd prefer store credit or cash," Israel said.

Colin Farrell Preparing to Play Carson Daly?

Carson is on the right...or is he?

As these exclusive images conclusively prove, Irish heart and vaginathrob Colin Farrell is starving himself to star in the long-anticipated Carson Daly biopic. The movie will cover Carson's heady days hosting "TRL" on MTV, through his white-hot relationship with Tara Reid, to his triumphant turn hosting a show that begins at 1:35 A.M. on NBC when they decide not to show poker instead.

Hillary Clinton Retains Decisive Lead Among Mouthbreathers

Hillary Clinton crushed Barack Obama in yesterday's West Virginia primary, underscoring Obama's weakness among people who aspirate without ever using their noses. "The people of West Virginia have spoken, and as usual their idiocy has been heard loud and clear!" a triumphant Clinton barked at a crowd of enthusiastic fatties. "And if your number one priority is to suspend the tax on items of food containing more than 300% of your daily cholesterol, that will be my number one priority!"

An exit poll showed more than 90% of West Virginians had pulled the lever with their feet.

Former Manager: OJ Simpson Confessed to Murder, Loitering

Mike Gilbert, OJ Simpson's former manager, claimed the ex-football star confessed to shocking accounts of murder and loitering while high on marijuana and, yes, life. "When I came to the door, Nicole had a knife," Simpson reportedly told Gilbert. "If she hadn't had that knife, she'd still be alive. Also, there's an alley behind Wilshire Blvd. near Sweetzer that says, "No loitering," but sometimes I hang out back there 8 to 10 hours at a time. I eat lunch back there. One year, I celebrated Thanksgiving back there. But they'll never get me on loitering. No way."

Meanwhile, Ron Goldman's father Fred Goldman vowed, "I will never give up on finding justice for my son. Also, I will never give up on this mustache."

Kobe Bryant Vows to Have Excuses Ready for Game 5

Grimacing and gripping his lower back so everyone knew just how sore it was, Kobe Bryant vowed to play in Game 5, but also to be ready to explain away a loss. "I'm ready to go hard enough so I can take the credit if we win, but blame my teammates if we lose," Bryant said. "Here - just write down, 'He's very brave to even play. But that's Kobe for you, a true warrior. Nursing back tears of pain, the ultracompetitive Bryant vowed nothing would keep him from taking the floor against Utah.' And make sure you write that I was the MVP this year."

MOVIE REVIEW: In Spite of Laughs, Everyone Involved with "What Happens in Vegas" Should be Jailedby Mahmoud Ahmedinejad

I finally had a chance to see the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle, "What Happens in Vegas" this weekend. While I will admit the film had some solid gags, I couldn't shake the feeling that all of the characters deserved to be imprisoned or tortured to some degree.

First of all, the couple meets while drunk. Had I written the screenplay, at this point the secret police would have arrived and beaten them soundly. Also, someone needs to wrap a black shawl all around Cameron Diaz's face. The fact that we are allowed to see it (on a big screen no less!) was completely appalling, and definitely worthy of a stoning.

After one of them wins the jackpot played with the other one's quarter, I was surprised both of them were not at least given several lashes for gambling. Yes, this might have made the film a bit longer, but it also would have been much more realistic.

The couple then is married. Ashton wants a divorce. I did not understand why they went to a judge instead of having Ashton walk around her seven times while saying, "I divorce thee," then returning her to her village a broken, used up, worthless woman. Instead, they are sentenced to live together. She goes out to work, which made no sense at all. Also, she gave him lip several times and he didn't stab her, which seemed to me completely unrealistic. I kept waiting for him to take another wife, maybe in the sequel?

The couple squabbles and you keep waiting for him to punch her in the face or lock her in the basement which could have made this the "feel good" movie of the summer. I like when he slept with the toilet seat, but couldn't he then have beaten her with it?

Of course they end up together in the end - spoiler alert! (ed note - apparently the author didn't realize that spoiler alert comes before the spoiler), then the movie ends and they run a list of people who should be imprisoned thanks to their involvement with this infidel production.

Overall I give this two stars...of David.

Barbara Walters: "I Slept with James Polk and Herbert Hoover"

Just days after admitting to an affair with a married Senator, Barbara Walters padded an already-impressive sexual resume by revealing she slept with ex-Presidents James Polk and Herbert Hoover.

"Polk was a sensuous lover," Walters disclosed, "And probably the only time I ever slept with a member of the Whig party! He was a strong believe in 'Manifest Destiny' both foreign-policy wise and sexually. That hair of his, oh my!"

"The name Herbert still sends chills down my spine. He was insatiable. He's a man who knew what he wanted and knew how to get it. And what he wanted was the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act. He used to joke about naming it the 'Hoover-Walters Act.' But then the world would have been onto our little secret. I caught him dancing the Lindy with another flapper and you can guess how that ended."

Yahoo! Goes All-Out to Help Victims of Myanmar Cyclone

Hey, easy there Yahoo! Any bigger and people might get distracted from all those great Miley Cyrus pics!